When you hear the word, friend, you probably conjure up a certain definition, or you may even specifically think of a certain individual acquaintance of yours. In these days of social media prevalence, the word friend has come to include relationships which in many cases are only digital or online, and some people have hundreds of “friends” they wouldn’t know if they met them on the street. I have heard this same word used in anger, “let me tell you something, friend”. But for the purpose of this article, my use of the word, friend will be limited to the understanding I grew up with.

Webster defines friend as one attached to another by affection or esteem. I recently asked a couple of family members to give me their definition of friend. One said a friend is someone who would give, truly expecting nothing in return. The other said a friend is someone I would enjoy spending a holiday weekend with. My definition? A friend is the guy I could or would call at three in the morning if I needed help, or from whom I would expect the same call. There are many people I would describe as friends, but in this truest sense of the word, the number is quite small.

In those moments when we are introspective and being completely honest with our self, I think all of us have areas of our lives where we feel odd, different, or maybe even a little weird. We have thoughts or opinions we would not share with most people, but we do feel free doing so with a true friend. We know ahead of time that even if we share those secret thoughts, they will not think less of us, even if they completely disagree.

Religious beliefs aside, many people regard the book of Proverbs as being a great source of wisdom, and Proverbs 18:24 states that “one who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”. When I was growing up, my brother who is four years younger than me, seemingly had a gift for getting into scrapes with the two boys who lived next door. Even when I disagreed with my brother, I would come to his defense 100% of the time. Therefore, when I read the words, “there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother”, it makes a strong statement to me. So I ask myself, how many “friends” do I have? How many do you have?

True friendship is a precious commodity, and something to be closely guarded. I have come to believe if you have two or three true friends, you are rich indeed. What do you think? Have a great week!

All this week I’ve been thinking about friendship and making notes on the topic, but when it came time to sit down and put it together, I couldn’t get another topic off my mind. Back in 2011, I ran across an article originally posted to the National Catholic Register by a former columnist there, Pat Archbold. He titled the article, The Death of Pretty. You can retrieve his article and read the entire text, but as I understood it, his premise was that over the last few decades, our culture has come to place a high value on women being “hot”, as opposed to being pretty.
Archbold offered his definition of “pretty”, which he described as a balance between beauty and innocence. Upon further reflection, I recognize what a verbal mine field this topic can be, and perhaps even trying to broach this subject as a man, is a mistake. Still I think there is something here that we should all think about, but especially us men. Body image is a huge issue and it always has been. In his article, Archbold made a huge deal of saying that “back when”, women largely attempted to project an image of innocence and that this projection, genuine or not, motivated men to act more nobly toward them as opposed to viewing women as a commodity to be consumed.
It would be disgusting to proffer that men who behave in an inappropriate manner toward women, or who view women merely as sexual objects to be consumed, may have their bad behavior excused based on their perception of a woman’s appearance. We see this in other cultures where western women are demeaned, or worse, merely for appearing in public unaccompanied, or with their head uncovered. Closer to home I have heard it said of rape victims right here in the buckle of the Bible belt, “what did she expect, did you see how she was dressed?” Oh, really? So men, are we not responsible for our own behavior? Surely we are better than that.
I would agree with Archbold in this; the pursuit of “hotness” is not a step in the right direction, but the point I would hope we could all take away from my little tap dance around this topic is this. The value of a human being is God given, and not determined by societal whims regarding their appearance. Pretty, beautiful, hot, handsome, etc., are words used to describe others, but which have nothing to do with really defining someone. Something I have noticed over the course of my life is that as I get to know people, they sometimes seem to become more or less attractive to me, based on what I learn about them as a person, about their character.
Have a great week.

Early in my career I spent 17 years in the Tennessee Valley Authority Data Center and for the first several years I worked in an area referred to as Data Management. One of our responsibilities was to assist our users or customers in keeping track of their important data files, which were electronically stored on magnetic disks of various types and capacities, an area of technology that has advanced more than most of us could have imagined back then.

One of the services we were often called upon to assist with was restoring their data files in the event they had been corrupted, damaged or inadvertently written over or deleted. Our first question was always; do you have a backup file or copy of your data? Our work group always told anyone who would listen, if you don’t create a backup, you can’t recover you data. “If you don’t, you can’t”. I must have uttered those words hundreds of times.

Recently I was thinking back about those days and about those words. It occurred to me that this same phrase applies to a lot of things in life. If you don’t plant in the spring, you can’t harvest in the fall. If you don’t plan ahead for a rainy day, you can’t survive when hard times come. A slight paraphrase of 2 Thessalonians 3:10 would be if you don’t work, you can’t eat. This is a principle that was honored and adhered to for most of our country’s history, but which we have turned away from in the last 50 years, with less than satisfactory results.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the topic of fatherhood, and as a father it occurs to me that if you don’t spend time with your children when they are young, you can’t expect to do so when they are older. In 1974, Harry Chapin recorded a huge hit song; Cat’s in the Cradle. The song was inspired by a poem his wife had written about the awkward relationship between her first husband and his father. As the story in the song develops, a young son who idolizes his father continually asks, “when you coming home, dad” and the father answers each time “I don’t know when, but you know we’ll have a good time then, son”. As the song progresses, the son grows up to be just like his dad and the lyrics change to “when you coming home, son” and his response; “I don’t know when, but it was sure nice talking to you, dad”. Chapin once remarked “frankly, this song scares me to death”.

I think most of us have areas of our life where we have good intentions, but perhaps fall down a bit in following through. Take a moment to consider these words, because if you don’t, you can’t

For several days since the untimely and tragic loss of Kelby Fritts I have had the phrase “unspeakable loss” tumbling around in my head. There are no adequate words that bring comfort. I remarked to a group of fellow faculty members this week, that in a community where we sometimes struggle to instill hope for a promising future, Kelby was a brilliant, bright, beacon of hope.

Last week I wrote that I always felt like I knew what to say, and now I am struck by the irony that sometimes there is no such thing as the right words; yet, faced with the enormity of this loss, I feel compelled to say something. So let me dedicate a few words to her memory. If you knew Kelby Fritts, you loved her. She had a rare zest for life that you wish all young people possessed. She was extremely intelligent, but what made that even more delightful was that she was also a great student. She was funny, beautiful, friendly, and caring. She was not perfect, but unlike many of us, she was quicker than most to own her faults. I have heard several people say they felt that they were better for having been around Kelby.

In a 2016 article, Psychotherapist and writer Linda Carroll shares some good advice about how to “be there” for someone who experiences loss: 1) Resist the urge to avoid. Isolation can compound the feeling of the loss they are already experiencing. Do not let your own discomfort keep you from providing comfort. 2) Admit not knowing the right thing to say and resist using meaningless phrases like “everything happens for a reason”, or “I know just how you feel”. Your presence communicates your most comforting message. 3) If they want to talk, LISTEN; provide a sympathetic ear and resist the urge to share your own story. You are there for them. 4) We all manage our own pain differently. Some people may seem to be in denial, or angry, or detached. Provide them the space to grieve in their own way, and the grace to not pass judgment. Remember, your best message is your presence. 5) Rather than making a general offer like, “let me know if I can do anything”, offer to do something practical and specific. For example, offer to provide a specific meal, or mow their lawn.

We live in a time when loss of life among our youth is far too common. My hope and prayer is that all of us will look for opportunities to use whatever influence we have to change that fact. I think this would be the one way we could most effectively honor the memory of our precious Kelby, until we meet again.

Do you ever stop and wonder why it is you do what you do, or conduct yourself in public in a certain way? Without realizing it at the time, most of us were influenced during our youth to do certain things, and do them in a certain way. Dr. Ivan Misner is the founder of Business Networking International. With over 200,000 members worldwide, BNI is the world’s largest business networking and business referral organization. Isner tells a story from a high school freshman history class that he wholeheartedly believes greatly influenced him and set him on a course to be the influential speaker, writer and business leader that he is today. He ran for student council multiple times during Middle School, failing dismally each time. Then, his 9th grade history class, taught by Mr. Romero was appointed the task of selecting the freshman student council representative. After no one responded to Mr. Romero’s appeal for a volunteer, he appointed Ivan Misner, over the protests of his classmates who had voted against him for the last 3 years. Young Ivan was humiliated, but responding to Mr. Romero’s confidence, he determined to work hard and prove he had made a wise choice. He did such a great job that at year-end he was re-elected to serve as sophomore representative, and his senior, he was elected as the student body president. He is convinced that most of us have been similarly impacted by some positive experience, or sometimes discouraged and defeated early in life by a negative one.

Reading his story and reflecting on it, I remembered a time when as a 12 year old, my Sunday school teacher, Joe Simpson, had a conversation with my Dad, which I am certain had a lifelong impact on me. Mr. Simpson told my Dad after church one Sunday that he enjoyed having me in his class because it seemed I always knew just the right thing to say, and seemed comfortable speaking with anyone, whether someone of my own age, or even with adults. There is no doubt that this compliment impacted the way I viewed myself when interacting with others. I can also remember other interactions that definitely had long-term effects, but were negative rather than positive. As I think back over my life I can think of many people who impacted me and helped to shape me into the person I am today, but it was those from my youth that had the largest impact.

Why do I do what I do? I guess you could fairly say I have a strong desire to positively impact my community and others with whom I come into contact. I helped found The Journey Ministries (thejourneyministries.com) because I want to influence men to be the kind of men God calls us to be. I write this article each week, hoping that over time it will afford me the opportunity to influence those who take the time to read my weekly rant. It seems only fair that I should “fess up” about my motivation. In my work life, I am afforded the opportunity to hopefully have a positive influence on some of the young people of the community in which I live. As I reflect on it today, and think about the confidence I have to openly talk about these things, I remember that conversation Joe Simpson had with my Dad over 50 years ago.

Has this triggered any memories for you, perhaps causing you to think back over your life and remember some positive or negative words you may have had spoken to you? The experiences from our youth often have an impact the speaker never imagined. One thing I would encourage all of us to be cognizant of, and it sounds like grandfatherly advice. When speaking to our youth, mind your words. Have a wonderful week.

How many times in the past month have you heard someone use the term “being real”? As in, I’m just trying to be real with you, or I want you to be real with me, or come on man, be real! The way we use words is continually changing, and speaking about being real has come to mean being genuine, or having integrity, or of having your words match your actions.

How about when your feelings do not match your own actions? In my work as a counselor, I have often encountered people (young and old) who faced tasks or situations in which they felt completely incapable. You may have heard someone trying to encourage a friend by using the expression “fake it until you make it”. That is actually not a bad way to say what I sometimes recommend, but using an expression that begins with the word “fake” can give the impression that if you are faking, you must be disingenuous (not real). So, I prefer using the expression to “act as if”.

For example, if I were speaking to an 8th grade math student who said they were terrible in math and there was no point in even trying, I might have a conversation that goes something like this. “I understand how you feel, but lets play a little game. Ask yourself; what would you be doing if you believed you were good in math and expected to do well in the class? In that case, wouldn’t you be more likely to pay attention in class, and study for the upcoming exam? Because if you believed you were a good math student, then you would want to prepare and make the best grade possible, right? If these are the things you would do IF you believed you were a good math student, then try this experiment with me. For the next two weeks, until after the upcoming math exam, agree with me that you will begin to “act as if” you were in fact a solid math student”
In this 8th grade scenario, as it has played out a few times, students have found that they can in fact do things they previously did not feel they were capable of accomplishing. In some cases I have had similar conversations regarding much simpler tasks, like “I agree to act as if I can get up and get myself emotionally ready to face this day”.

How about you, reader? What are you facing this week that you feel you cannot deal with? Is there a problem you face in your work that is so far beyond your capability you do not intend to even try? Perhaps there is a co-worker with whom you have given up on trying to have a positive relationship. How about trying my game of “acting as if”. If you “acted as if” you could deal with the difficult problem, you would be researching ways to overcome it, thinking about it, and working on it. How about your relationship with that difficult peer? If you are willing to risk “acting as if” you are happy to see them, engaging them in conversation, caring about the things they care about, you just might be surprised at how your relationship changes. Even more important, think about this strategy regarding that family relationship you may be struggling with.

Before I stop for today, I need to point out that by recommending for you to “act as if”, I am not referring to some pop-psychologist ideas about acting as if you are rich and just waiting for the cash box to fall into your lap. Also, this is not a “wally original”. It is actually a recognized and recommended counseling technique of the Cognitive Behavioral mode of Psychotherapy (CBT).
So how about it friend, are you game for my game? I think I will act as if you are, and expect to hear back from you.

Last week I shared my opinion about the tremendous education we get from reading and from travel and described part one of our trip through the Southwest. Here is part two:

After staying overnight in Flagstaff, we headed to the Grand Canyon. We only had about a half-day to spend at the canyon so we drove directly to the South Rim and began hiking the rim at Mather’s point, stopping often to drink in the amazing views. Having never been, I expected to walk up to the edge and “see the canyon”. If you have been there I’m sure this sounds amusing. I was amazed at the size, and the irregular shape of the canyon that continues being carved out by wind and the swift moving Colorado River. I was struck by the stark beauty, amazing colors and rock formations. We want to go back for more and it is truly grand.

We rolled into Las Vegas at a cool 103 degrees. No problem, because as you have probably heard, “it’s a dry heat.” Our kids know their dad, so in anticipation of this trip two of them bought me a walking food tour along the Vegas strip. The guide spiced up the tour with interesting tips about dining in Las Vegas including background stories about several of the restaurateurs that were a part of our tour.

As everyone knows, Las Vegas is a city of glitz and glamour with amazing hotel complexes containing architectural marvels. It is also home to a vast array of entertainment, so we felt compelled to take in a show. We decided to attend a show that combined magic and comedy and it was quite good. The illusionist did some amazing slight of hand tricks and kept the crowd laughing as he performed. He used members of the audience as the butt of his jokes during most of his illusions, including yours truly.

One of the things we really wanted to do while in the vicinity of Vegas was tour Hoover Dam. I had heard stories about how large it is, and similar to the Grand Canyon, the sheer size of the Dam was hard to grasp, especially knowing it was built during the early 1930’s. To construct the dam they poured concrete 24 hours a day for 19 months only ceasing work on July 4th and Christmas Day. At the base of the Dam it is over 750 feet thick! If you are ever in the area, go see Hoover Dam and do the Power Generation Tour.

After a good meal at the aptly named Southwest Diner in Boulder City we were ready to make the long drive back to El Paso the following day. We relied a little too heavily on the GPS for navigation and found ourselves taking an even longer route through the Mojave Desert in eastern California. At 9:00 A.M. the thermometer read 109 degrees! Unfortunately we didn’t see any wild burros despite the signs warning us not to harass them as we drove toward Phoenix, AZ. By the time we stopped for a taste of home at the Cracker Barrel in Phoenix it was 114 degrees!

After 14 hours on the road we were back to the best Mexican food I’ve ever tasted in Juarez, MX. During our drive all we saw for hours were tall, stark mountains, cactus and rock piles. I’m glad we did it the way we did, and it was beautiful in its own way, but I was starting to miss the green hills and valleys of home. All we had left on our trip was enjoying our grandsons for a few more days and a visit to the McDonald Observatory in Fort Davis, Texas. I had never been to one of these facilities and after it got dark, as they say, the stars came out! The universities of Texas and Texas A&M both operate this facility and peering through their huge telescopes was a treat. For example, you could clearly see the rings of Saturn!

We then returned to what I believe is one of the most beautiful places in the world, Southeast Tennessee which also includes the side benefit of being home to another beautiful site, our granddaughters. There truly is no place like home.

For many years I have held a firm opinion that two of the very best forms of education come from reading and travel. The last few years in my work as a school counselor I have shared this opinion with every Middle School student I have had the opportunity to influence, telling them that even if they do not have the chance to travel right now, their mind is free to do so through reading, and our local Middle School library is a treasure just waiting to be mined.

For the past several years our daughter has worked outside the country. This, our love of travel, and the fact that her and our son in law have given us two grandsons are all the incentive Pam and I need, to get out of town every chance we get.

Most recently they have lived in Juarez, Mexico, just across the border from El Paso, so for this trip, Juarez served as our base of operations. Even though Juarez does not have a reputation as a great destination, people there are welcoming and friendly, and the food is amazing, which is reason enough for me to be a frequent visitor.

On this two-week visit we decided to take advantage of our daughter’s current location and see a little of the American Southwest that heretofore we had only read about. So we rented a car and took a whirlwind tour. We headed west from El Paso into New Mexico, passing through Las Cruces, a surprisingly verdant little town in the valley before turning north toward Albuquerque. We found ourselves climbing steadily through a rocky, mountainous, and desert-like country. Once we reached Albuquerque we turned west toward Flagstaff, Arizona. When we left El Paso the only agenda we had was to spend three nights in Las Vegas, Nevada so we were open to taking detours along the way if something looked interesting. Much to our delight we found several interesting places. The first two were in Northern Arizona; The Painted Desert and The Petrified Forest. We had heard of these places but had only a vague idea what they were. When we happened on them, we were pleased to find that a very good way to see them is to take a driving tour of 28 miles with scenic stops all along the way. You can get out of the car and within a few steps be treated to some amazing sights. Our timing was perfect, as it was getting late in the day and the late evening sun really brought out the amazing colors of the Painted Desert. It was amazingly beautiful and aptly named. The same road tour continued through the Petrified Forest, which I now know consists of thousands of large, downed, ancient trees, preserved for our viewing by an apparent cataclysmic volcanic eruption. The trees were coated and preserved by volcanic ash encapsulating and preserving them for us to see thousands (some say millions) of years later.

After this we planned to drive on into Flagstaff, but before we got there we found another surprise, Meteor Crater, Arizona! That’s right, Meteor Crater. When I see an Interstate exit by that name I have to at least see how far off the beaten path it is. What we found, just a few miles off I-40 in Northern Arizona was, you guessed it, a meteor crater, deep enough that if the Washington Monument were sitting on the bottom, the top would be roughly level with the surface and that is 555 feet! The floor of the crater is large enough to contain 20 football fields, and if the walls of the crater were lined with stadium seating, 20 million people could be seated! The perimeter of the crater is over a mile across from rim to rim.

That is all I have space to write about this week, so next week Wally and Pam do Vegas! Don’t get too excited, it is Wally and Pam.

Most of us are really good at looking back at what we often refer to as the “good ole days”. We love to wax nostalgic about how good things were way back when; but today I want us to instead take a look at the road ahead. How far ahead do we want to look? Well, let’s look out into the future to the time when we will no longer be here. What kind of legacy will we leave behind? Legacy usually refers to the material things like houses, land, and financial assets we leave behind in our last will and testament.

In the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society, Robin Williams plays Professor Keating, a prep school English Teacher. In one poignant moment in the movie he quotes Whitman to his students, “That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be”? That, my friends is a good question for all of us to consider, what verse will you contribute to this great play in which all of us have a part to play?

I know there are a few of you who may have accomplished great things or accumulated a great deal of wealth which you plan to pass along to your heirs, and you may think of these things as your legacy. Granted, those things are definitely a part of our legacy. But if you are a parent, I would contend that you will leave something much more valuable behind. I believe the greatest legacy we parents will leave behind is to simply raise our children as good people, good citizens, and good neighbors, people who will make a positive impact on the world we leave behind. I would challenge anyone who has children to debate this point.

If we can in fact agree that this is our greatest potential legacy, then as we take that look ahead we must consider something. Does the life we are living, or to use Professor Keating’s words, does the verse we are contributing, support what we believe is our life’s most important work? Are we spending our resources, including especially our time, in a way that supports our belief that our children are in fact our greatest legacy?

In my life, I have had the privilege to know and sometimes work with people who would be considered extremely successful by outside observers. But in a few sad cases, if you look behind the curtain so to speak, you would see a life littered with broken promises, broken relationships, and broken hearts. I have heard it said that our children are in fact the only things in life that we can “take with us”. So today, as we take that look ahead, I would simply like to suggest that we parents take a little time to think about our legacy.